Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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