I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
