it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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