matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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