Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
