The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
