Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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