I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
