Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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