I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
