mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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