My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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