I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
