The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
