I wish I only lived at night.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
