he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
