She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
