We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
