All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Screwed.edu
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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