eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
