I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
