this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
