my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
