I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
