I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
