Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
