last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
