I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
