was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
