I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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