Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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