He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
