you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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