i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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