I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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