I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
