sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
