I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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