That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
