i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
