Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize
