Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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