I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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