Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
