its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
