I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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