You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
