I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
