remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
