my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
