Say something about gay babies.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
