well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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