All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
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Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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