she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
