Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
